You Just Don't Understand, by Deborah Tannen
Book review by Carole A. Smith, WELD Intern.
This book explores communication differences between genders by mixing scientific insight and the author's humorous writing. The book using many examples of real conversations between men and women to show how they two genders interpret conversations differently.
The title of the first chapter "Different Words, Different Worlds" does a good job of describing the content of the book. The entire book is based on analyzing how differently men and women view various situation/topics. The author uses actual conversations between men and women to illustrate her point.
This is a very interesting book. The author presented some interesting concepts to think about. Examples she gave covered situations we have probably all encountered at some time in our lives (personal as well as our professional).
Some interesting examples illustrated in the book:
Situation: Husband invites a friend to spend the weekend. He doesn't discuss the invitation with his wife prior to extending the invitation.
Husband's interpretation: by asking his wife he felt he was seeking permission that made him feel a lack of independence.
The wife felt her husbands actions showed a lack of courtesy by him not discussing the invitation in advance. The wife did not view it as asking permission but as an act of respect to her as a partner in the marriage.
Situation: Comparing male and female reactions to publication of a book. A writer (male) was working on his book and received a letter from the production editor (female) requesting him to let her know if he was planning to be away from his permanent address at any time in the six months when his book would be in production. The writer felt the editor was over controlling and felt offended by the request. On the flip side the author of "You Don't Understand" (female) shared that she had received many such requests in her career and always made her feel important.
Situation: Differences between boys and girls social interaction - Generally
Boys like to play outside and in large groups. They have a hierarchical structure, always having a group leader who tells others what to do and how to do it and resists what other boys propose. The ability to give orders and have other obey is what helps them achieve status and a since of independence. Boy's games have winners and losers and provide opportunities to show their skills. Girls like to play in small groups or in pairs and tend to have a best friend that is the center of her social life. For girls intimacy and connection are what matters. Their activities generally don't have winners or losers (like playing house). Girls don't give orders or try to show that they are better than the next girl. They are more concerned that they are liked by the others.
Summary: I found the book interesting but a little hard to stay with. I gained some useful insights that I have taken into consideration in dealing with my staff and family members. Some of the author's theories were a little off base at times but at other times were right on target.