by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
Reviewed by: Irene Shonle, Extension Director,
I decided to review this book because I see that many of us are good leaders while the going is easy, but are perhaps not as well equipped to deal with people when problems such as broken promises, failed expectations, or other touchy and controversial issues arise (think 4-H leader, Master Gardener volunteer, coworkers, boss, spouse, children, or any of the many other people that we rely on for something). Often, we don't say anything because we don't know how to handle the confrontation (defined by the authors as holding someone accountable, face to face), or perhaps if we do confront someone, we don't handle it well, and the situation gets worse.
The purpose of this book is to teach the skill set needed to handle confrontations correctly, so that both parties can talk openly and honestly, and that problems are resolved, and relationships are improved. In the course of writing this book, the authors spent over 10,000 hours observing people who were identified as the best in engaging in difficult but necessary confrontations. They found, not surprisingly, that the people who are the best at holding people accountable are also the best leaders. As they put it: "institutional survival calls for constant change. Change calls for new expectations, and like it or not, new expectations eventually will be violated. If you can't confront those who fail to live up to the new promises, no memo, no policy, and no system will ever make up for the deficiency."
Part one of the book is devoted to working on yourself first. The authors discuss how to know when and if you should confront someone (picking your battles). In chapter two, you learn to "master your story" - in other words, to not go into a confrontation with a preformed notion, but to keep an open mind, and take into account extenuating circumstances. Only then are you allowed to open your mouth.
In part two, the authors deal with how to discuss the problem "with safety." First, a performance gap must be described objectively, dispassionately, without jumping to harsh conclusions ("Louise, I thought we agreed that you wouldn't sell the product below the standard pricing formula. I just overheard you promising a price that was clearly out of bounds. Did I miss something? - Not, " You underhanded cheat! You'd sell your mother to get a commission.") If you suspect the other person is going to feel offended or defensive, or they become defensive, you "use contrasting" by explaining what you do and don't mean (I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you were doing it on purpose. I believe you were unaware of the impact you were having. That's why I wanted to bring it up in the first place). If the problem continues after you first bring it up, it becomes a pattern, and the pattern, not the original problem, becomes the issue (they call this avoiding "Groundhog Day").
The next section examines the reasons behind someone not doing what they said they would do. If the reason the person hasn't performed is because they are not motivated, chapter four explains how to use natural consequences rather than intimidation or force to help others want to take action. In chapter five, they discuss methods of making it easier for others to do their job, if the problem is due to an ability barrier of some sort -- including empowering others to help find solutions. Chapter six revolves around being flexible enough to handle new problems as they arise during the conversation (such as the person becoming angry, defensive, or untruthful).
The book wraps up with details on how to create a plan of action (including details such as exactly who does what by when and a follow up time) to increase accountability, a whole chapter devoted to "yeah-buts"- how to deal with the really tough situations, and finally, a self-assessment tool for measuring your confrontation skills.